Can you believe I’ve been writing to you every week for sixty weeks?
This woman. This mat. This journey.
It has been a real journey for me, I don’t know if you’ve picked up a sense of that. Sixty weeks ago, I was pretty new to this whole yoga world. I have a little more confidence now, I guess, although as with most things, the further you get along the path, the more you realise you have to learn!
I wonder if when I was starting out, I would have been content to have made as little obvious progress as I seem to have done. I wonder if I wouldn’t have found the motivation to start at all. I had high aspirations of what I could achieve in a year if I put my mind to it. All entirely physical, of course. I knew no better back then. I thought poses were what yoga was all about. And reflecting on where I am today, it would be easy to feel more than a little disappointed. My body is not so very different. Part of me is ready to demand a refund!
However, it’s not as simple as that. My thinking of what yoga actually is has completely changed. I have changed – possibly more inwardly than outwardly. I’ve had to face some pretty tough stuff. Anxiety has reared up and challenged me in ways I didn’t ever expect. Having spent years denying what my body was telling me, when I decided to listen, I really didn’t like what I was hearing. I’ve been confronted with loads of things about myself that I haven’t liked and have had to learn to accept. On one level, I feel weaker and more vulnerable, rather than stronger, but that’s because I’ve been more real and honest and relied less on heightened adrenaline levels that kept me going but couldn’t keep me going forever.
It’s been great being able to share with you some of the highs and lows of this personal journey, the revelations and questions and frustrations and affirmations. One thing I’ve been learning is to hold loosely, to enjoy an activity while it lasts, but recognise that there is a time for everything and everything has its season. Clinging onto something for the wrong reasons can make it all turn sour. Continuing something without opening your eyes to new paths can become a bit of a rut. And so this is the end of this chapter for A Woman & Her Mat at present. It’s time.
This woman will continue to step onto her mat.
This journey is far from over.
I’ll tell you all about it some time.